5 Minutes To Midnight

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. Had been busy but looking back, I can scantly recall what I was busy with. All I can remember was that I spent December reading to my elder son and brought him to watch Avatar 3D which he loved a lot!  I would say that was time well spent! :)

Originally this post was to be made during New Year's Eve. Well, obviously, it didn't happen. But I would still attempt to complete this entry as it will be a recollection of 2009, which incidentally, was a very transforming year for both myself and the company.

During the first three years of my entrepreneur venture, New Year's Eve was  a day I dreaded most.  When everyone was out celebrating the end of a new year, I can hardly find any joy in my heart.  All the hard work, all the struggle, seemed to have come to naught.  It was a dark period as the thought of giving up keeps sapping my soul... bit by bit.  To me, there was nothing to celebrate.  My savings which I've poured into my venture was fast dwindling.  The prospect of failure was a very clear and present possibility.

Thinking back, it still elicit an involuntary shudder.

Sometime in March 2009, I began to question my existence, my potential and my achievements.  For many years, when my friends congratulated me on my achievements and successes, I would casually brush them off.  I really didn't think much of my successes.  Deep down inside, I feared it was just pure luck that brought me to where I am today.  Sometimes, I even suspected that if another person was in my exact shoes, the person would achieve the same success too, maybe even with less effort and struggle.

I've strong self-doubt of myself.

I guess these stemmed from the fact that I struggled academically.  Even though I managed to get into a very good and recognised (SAP) secondary school, I struggled with my results after that.  I was relegated to one of the worst performing classes during my upper secondary due to my results.  I did very badly for my prelims and nearly couldn't get into junior colleges.  Surprisingly, I did very well during my 'O' levels and was admitted to one of the top 5 junior colleges.  Again, I struggled.  I was even singled out by some of the lecturers 'encouraging' me to drop some subjects for my own good. I wondered if the school was more concerned that I would drag down their passing percentage and affect the school's standing. This time, I wasn't so lucky with my 'A' levels results, I couldn't get into any local university.  I retook my 'A' levels the next year as a private candidate by attending private school (my 'A' level results were too good to be accepted back into my junior college, the irony!).

My retaken 'A' level results were finally good enough for me to be accepted into a local university, I struggled again during the 4-year course.  I didn't really understand what I studied.  I had to retake supplementary papers year after year.  Eventually, I just graduated with a 'pass'.

Again, it didn't help my self-confidence during the long and dark first 3 years of my entrepreneur life.  Receiving failures on a daily basis would eat your soul and sap your hopes away.

Finally, during the first half of 2009, the dam that was holding all the negativity broke and I was forced to face all the inner demons that had been held back.  I was no longer able to hide.  I needed to confront and exorcise all the past demons.  It was by sheer chance and fate that I picked up "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand.  Through the unraveling of the story of Howard Roark, the lead character of the book, it brought me answers that I had always been searching for.  I began to crawl out of my shell and broke through the boundaries that had been holding me back.  I began to recognise human capacity and ability... and especially mine.

I realised and accepted that like everyone, I am a unique individual and I've found my raison d'être.  This culminated and manifested in my outward physical transformation.

In June last year, I made a business trip to Paris.  For nine long years, this was the first time I made an overseas business trip and managed to have a short break for myself.  It was also a break I badly needed. By spending time away from the daily running of my company, I had time to collect my thoughts.  I also had time to reflect.  The trip allowed me to complete my transformation.  It was also during the trip that I allowed myself to break my own shackles.  I finally allowed myself to enjoy the fruits of my success and I allowed myself to spend and spent I did.  I bought a lovely Van Cleef & Arpels pendant for my wife.

After coming back from Paris, I even started jogging which I've continued.  It started from brisk walking, then gradually to running 1km, then 2km, then 3km and now 4km.

In August 2009, I made a short pilgrimage alone to Tokyo just to witness my childhood idol - a life-size Gundam.  I allowed myself to be crazy (flew 5300 km just to see a replica) and to live life (for a while).

No doubt 2009 was a difficult year due to the financial crisis.  There were months when the money we collected from our clients were not even enough to cover our monthly operating costs.  By the end of year 2009, I was able to steer my company through the turbulent times, maybe it was due to my unyielding will and focus, we were able to recover many of our debts and collect our revenue.  Not only that, through the effort of my staff, we reached a significant new milestone for the company!

2009 was also a year I realised it doesn't pay to be nice all the time. Being nice need to be selective. I should only be nice to people who deserves it.  In the past year, I've become both the Dark Paladin and Hunter.

After finishing "The Fountainhead", I picked up Ayn Rand's magnum opus, "Atlas Shrugged".  It was not an easy book to read.  It was definitely not a book known for its brevity.  There was even an 80 pages long speech by the lead protagonist.  However, the reward I got from reading the book was reaffirming the path I've taken as an entrepreneur and the road forward.

The 2010 New Year's Eve was the first time I welcome the coming of a new year.  I looked forward and embrace the coming of a new year.  I've plans, big and audacious plans for the future.  I guess today is the culmination of all the struggles I've been through.  The experiences of the past 9 years have prepared me for the future challenges ahead.

A very good friend of mine asked if I ever had felt confident.

"Yes," I replied.

"When did you feel confident?", she asked.

"Starting now."  I smiled.

2010 will be a year I'll claim my place in this world.  I aim to be Man of Men; King of Kings.  May we all realise the best within us for 2010!

Nature Of The Beast

Been feeling tired. Feeling drained. This explains my recent lack of blogging, twit and plurk.  I just couldn't find the time.  Christmas is coming but I don't feel particularly festive at all.  My days go by the same - consumed by work.  The recent cold weather at night just adds to my melancholy mood.  There is a heavy weight dragging my heart. I just can't seem to shake off the dull and heavy set feeling on my chest.

Been drinking again.  Not much.  Just 2 cans of beer every night.  I needed the poison to numb the buzz in my brain after a long and hard day at work.  Else it would be difficult for me to fall asleep.

Had lots of drinks with my friend on Friday night.  It was a relaxing night.  Went to Orgo and we had a seat overlooking The Fullerton Hotel.  It looked so beautiful at night.  I found myself staring at it for a long while and enjoying the late night breeze.  Even though I was drinking alcohol, poisoning my liver, I feel refreshed.

I just sent another legal letter to my client with the preparation of taking it all the way.  I know it was done out of necessity but I still don't enjoy it.  We definitely won't be greeting each other in future when we chanced upon each other on the street.

This year had been a very tumultuous year.  It seemed as though I've woken up from a very long slumber.  I've changed after my trip to Paris.  I've gained confidence in myself.  I've also gained clarity.

I am now able to see who my friends are; who are the people who were leeching me and who were making use of me.  The realisation was painful and it hurt.  But better to feel hurt now then to be betrayed and get stabbed from the back.

I've lost my innocence and getting closer in becoming the Dark Paladin.

After my trip in Paris, I started to evolve.  Something happened and I began to believe in myself.  I used to have doubts and had wondered if my achievements so far had been a fluke.  It was an answer I had been seeking for many years and now I've found the answer.  I know now that I can actually achieve so much more.  I had been afraid.  I didn't believe in myself.  I had wasted time.

Now, I'm trying to make up for lost time.  That's why I've been running doubly fast.  Maybe I'm burning out.  No, I can't say that.  I just have to keep running.

As my business grew, its complexity also grew.  I've now more staff and clients to manage, more issues to resolve.  As my business grew, my company unwittingly attracts some unwarranted attention.  There will be competition and there will be imitators; there will be enemies and there will be wars.

Entrepreneurship is not just about getting your product to market and people to buy.  It does not end there.  In fact, it is a never ending journey.  Once you've an ongoing revenue, problems also start to occur.  It can start from not being able to meet the demand, then later not getting paid.  Soon, your success attracts attention and there will be competition.  You have to keep coming out with innovations and outpace your competitors.  When you've more features in your product, you no longer will able to be personally involved in all the developments.  Then you'll need to hire more people.

Elim Chew of 77th Street once said that running a company of 5 staff is different from running a company of 10 staff.  It is again different when it grows to a company of 100 staff.  You'll need to keep adapting to change and remain versatile.

The path of an entrepreneur does not get easier as you go along.  In fact, it only gets harder and worse.

This is the true nature of the beast.

Corporate Junk #25

A client who owed me 1 year worth of debt messaged me to meet in town so he can pay me the outstanding amount.  My wife asked me if I would be meeting the client, I said I have to.  He had owed us for quite a long time and every time when he said he'll mail us the cheque, it never arrives.  This is a very good opportunity to collect payment and closing the accounts.

When I arrived at the stipulated venue on time, I texted the client informing him that I've reached the place of our appointment.  I received a reply immediately.  The client said he was delayed and told me to wait.

After 2 hours, the client called and told me the meeting venue has been changed to his office as he had to return to the office to sign some urgent documents.  He asked me if it was alright for me to meet him at his office instead.  I agreed.  What choice did I have?

We met at the kopitiam near his office and chatted for about an hour.  Well, more like he was talking and I was just listening.  Finally, he gave me the cheque in a sealed envelope.  We bade our farewells.

I opened the envelope when I returned to my office.  The cheque was for only half the amount and the client mispelled my company's name on the cheque.

Sigh.

Corporate Junk #24

I've many clients who had been using our company's services for 5 years or more. Many of these clients, they are sole proprietors or small-and-medium enterprises (SMEs). We know each other on first name basis so you can say we go way back.

Some of these clients had only signed the contract during the initial year. When come renewal, some of them will insist that I can trust them as they have been in the industry for a long time. If I persist for a signed contract, they would feel insulted and become angry. I felt I had no choice but agree to their request.

Interestingly, for corporate clients, proper paperwork and a signed contract is guaranteed.

This particular client, who is a sole proprietor and considered an elder (前辈) in the industry had been using our services for 6 years already. For the first 4 years, his payments though late but were still paid.

In the early part of the year, when I called him to request for last year's payment, he told me he'll be sending the cheque soon. Since it was time for renewal, I took the opportunity to ask if he would like to continue to engage our services which he readily agreed.

For the past 6 months, my staff had been chasing for both payments (this year's and last) but he had been ignoring her emails and calls. When I called him, he would tell me payments will be sent the following week.

I had pondered going to his office unannounced and meeting him face-to-face like I did previously for another client. I was strongly dissuaded by my staff so we asked our legal counsel to send him a legal letter of demand as he had been ignoring all communications. This was done with the utmost reluctance as I still regard him as an elder in the industry. But after almost 2 years of non-payment, he left me no choice.

Today, my lawyer forwarded me the reply she had received from the client. In summary, the client says he'll make payment only if we can provide his signed contract as proof.

When I read the email from my lawyer, I was furious! He knew that we didn't have any signed contract because this was what he insisted! I was also disappointed! To think a respected elder of the industry turned out to be so dishonorable. His words are not gold but dirt!

I've known and expected that some of the deals made in the previous years without contract would come back to haunt me, I just never expected it to come from a respectable person of the industry. This is a mistake that I've remedied. Since 2 years ago, all deals will have a contract regardless what the client insist or say. No contract, no deal.

Trust is such a fragile thread. It is easily broken. I've lost all respect of this person. Pui!

Good Guy Vibes (Aftewords)

A few months back, an overseas friend whom I've made and helped me during my last business trip, had a transit in Singapore. I had made him promise to look me up if he ever was in Singapore. I picked him up when he arrived here at 8 a.m after a 13-hour flight. As his next flight was 7 p.m., I offered him an opportunity to shower and freshen up in my club. Initially, he had thought the club I referred to was a gentleman's club aka Stripper's Club. ^_^" Anyway, I showed him around Singapore and treated him to lunch before I drove him back to the airport.

While at the airport before he left, he said to me, "You are really a very nice person. Don't be so nice. Really. Take care."

I looked at him incredulously and just shrugged it off.

But what he said really left an indelible impression in me. I just couldn't shake off his earnest advice. What he said finally clicked after my friend shared with me that I give out "good guy vibes". It had caused me to look back at some of my past experiences and pieced the puzzle together.

Just this year alone, when I shared my experiences and incidents with two of my clients regarding some projects, both of them said almost the same thing on two different and separate occasions, "You are too nice!"

Many years ago, during the initial period of my startup, a new client arranged an appointment with me. During the end of the meeting, she told me I was recommended to her by another client of mine. She had strongly encouraged her to arrange a meeting with me and listen to what I have to say about my product and she also told her, "Don't worry, he is a very nice person. He won't pressure you. Just meet him, you'll like him."

Her parting words to me after the meeting, "I agree with my friend, you do have a nerdy but honest face."

I just shrugged it off then and thought that it was because my client had put in many good words for me. I thought that it may have also been attributed by my gentle and courteous demeanor during the meeting.

All these years, I've been perplexed by the comments because I really don't think I've done anything different from what I usually do. But after what my friend told me, something just clicked and I've gained a new found clarity. No doubt, my "niceness" had helped me earned the trust of my clients but there have been occasions that I've been taken advantage of and given the short end of the stick. Fortunately, it had never involve big losses but I had felt really sad and disappointed when my trust had been misplaced and abused.

I would feel down and betrayed.

Sometimes I wonder, is it also because of my Mr. Nice Guy vibes that many of my clients are extremely late in their payments. Similarly, is that why I've suppliers approaching me for early payments (within one week of invoice even though there is a 30 day credit) and there were occasions that some of them even asked for advance payment. I had a supplier who had asked me for early payment every single month last year and two advance payments this year.

I've obliged all their requests at the consternation and chagrin of my accountant.

Thinking back, I reviewed some of the friendships I've forged in the past and realised they had befriended me because they could and wanted to take advantage of me.

Now, I feel lost. The past few days, I may have even become cynical and I had wanted to hardened my heart so I'll no longer oblige people's request for help so easily.

But if I really do that, would I be taking another step closer in becoming the Dark Paladin? Would I like the new me? Is that who I want to become?

I don't know.

I'm lost and I need to find myself.