A few months ago over lunch with a friend, he invited me to give a speech to share my entrepreneurial experience in a seminar. Being the idiot that I am, I gamely agreed.
This was going to be the first time I'll be making a public speech. In all honesty, I was pretty excited about it. I imagined that my speech would inspire future generations of new entrepreneurs to "boldly go where no one has gone before!". I even planned what to wear on the day of the speech. I wanted to look good and respectable because I'll be representing my company, my dreams and my aspirations of the past 8 years when I'm delivering my speech when I'm standing there at the podium. I even planned to get a new pair of shoes as my pair of suede Timberlands was too scruffy to be worn on that day.
I imagined that my speech would be as eloquent and inspiring as Steve Job's and as moving as Popagandhi's. I had even planned to do a presentation using "Flash" where it'll display amazing graphics and information complementing my speech. The flash presentation will be 10 minutes long which I can use it as guide to keep the pacing of my speech. It was only a 10 minutes speech, how difficult could it be?
By using both Steve Job's and Popagandhi's speech as reference, I knew that my transcript will be about 4 A4 pages of Times New Roman of font size 12.
On a Saturday which was two weeks before the speech day, I plonked myself down at a Starbucks cafe and began typing my "inspiring" speech over a cup of Grande Latte. I was confident that I'll complete drafting my speech that day.
After 4 hours, I was shivering from the cold in Starbucks and I had to visit the washroom, I packed up and put my laptop into the bag calling it a day. I had only written 2 paragraphs! After 4 hours!
A part of me was beginning to panic. I thought it was going to be easy writing the speech by sharing my experience. Unfortunately, through the course of writing, self-doubt crept into my heart. Should I really encourage the audience to carpe diem, seize the day? Can I shoulder the responsibility that if someone really took my advice and become an entrepreneur but did not succeed? What if their life become miserable?
I didn't know what my message was going to be anymore. I was lost.
On a Sunday that was just the day before speech day, I told my wife I'll be going to Starbucks to write my speech. I swore that I'll only be back when the speech is done.
At Starbucks, I ordered a triple-shot Latte to keep me going. After a week of thinking, I've finally decided to share my naked experience. I've also made up my mind to encourage anyone to take the plunge but I'll not sugarcoat my experience. I'll share all the pain and tribulations that I had to go through to be where I am today. I'll be a hypocrite if I don't take a stand and encourage entrepreneurship.
After 4 hours, I had re-written my first 2 paragraphs and added 2 new paragraphs. But I was very tired already. The 4 paragraphs really drained me. I don't why it was so difficult to write the speech. I wanted to continue to toil but I was really tired. I guess it was emotionally draining to dig deep into myself and revisit the past bittersweet experiences.
For a brief moment, I felt like I was back in my University days - The night before exams and I'm still cramming. What if I can't finish studying? I want to sleep but I can't. If I can't finish studying, I'll surely flunk my papers. It was a similar fear: What if I can't finish writing? How do I face the audience tomorrow?
Just the thought of it brought fear to my heart. It was so thick that my throat choked. But I was really tired. The fear was paralysing I decided to go home and sleep. I planned to wake up early the next morning to continue writing.
By the time I reached home, my family was asleep already. I had a quick shower and plonked down into the bed and tried to sleep. Maybe due to the triple shots Latte, I had a hard time falling asleep. Due to the buzz of the caffeine, it was a very fitful sleep.
I woke up feeling tired. But I had to complete my speech. I was awake before any of the family members. Gently cursing, I swore to myself I'll never agree to another speech assignment anymore.
By 2 pm, I finally finished drafting my speech but it was only 2 pages long. That was how much I could muster. I showed it to my wife and she commented that it'll be a 10 minutes speech if I talk really slowly. Heh!
After gulping down a quick lunch, I rushed out to get a new pair of shoes. Knowing myself, I knew that I'll be shivering from fear while giving the speech so I got myself a jacket too. Total damage: $300.
By the time I got back, it was time for me to bathe and get ready. I gulped down a small glass of Brands Essence of Chicken before I left home.
At the auditorium, while other speakers were giving their speech, I was busy memorising mine. Even though the auditorium was not cold, as my turn approaches, I began to feel cold and had to put on the jacket which I had fortunately and correctly bought.
Finally it was my turn to deliver my speech. I could feel the blood being drained away from my hands and they felt clammy. When I started giving my speech, my mind was actually in a blank state but words just shot out like machine gun. I remembered making some jokes and the audience laughed. I knew I missed some paragraphs and created some new paragraphs which were not in the speech. I kept my eyes fixated at one spot of the auditorium. That helped to calm my nerves a bit.
If you want to be an entrepreneur, you must be mentally prepared that it will be the most difficult thing to do. You must be ready to risk everything and may not get anything in return. Most startups fail during the first year. That is the reality.
Was I ever hesitant of starting on my own? Was I fearful of failures? Of course. But I just had to know. I just had to know for sure if I can make my idea work. If someone had successfully implemented a similar idea, I don't want to be left to wonder for the rest of my life if that could have been me. I don't want to be plagued by what ifs? If I had tried and failed, at least I would be satisfied with the knowledge that I wasn't the better person to make it work. But at least, I've tried.
We only live once. I don’t want to live with regrets and wondering about the ‘What ifs’. Even if I had failed, I would have lived.
With that, I ended my speech. In my delirium and hazy state of mind, I thought the audience gave me a slightly, just so slightly, louder ovation.
When I went back to my seat, my friend who was also one of the speakers told me I sounded very kan cheong (nervous). I nodded my head. Two of my friends who were in the audience, texted me that my speech was very heartfelt. I was glad that it came across as heartfelt. It should, as the speech was indeed the sharing of my intimate personal experience. I was also very grateful to the two friends who found time to attend the speech and supported me. It helped to know that there were 2 familiar faces among the sea of strangers.
During the Q&A, there were quite a few questions directed at me. After the session, a few members of the audience crowded around me to ask me more about what I had gone through. I think I may have touched some of the budding entrepreneurs. If that was really the case, the weeks of anxiety and stress that I put myself through to write the speech would have worth it.
When most audience left and I was alone, I texted my wife, "I survived."
