Quicksand

It has been 6 years now since I ventured out on my own. In another 4 months time, it would be 7 years. Looking back, I've never expected to be where I am today. I've seen and done things I had never thought I could. I lasted so long simply because I don't know how to give up. By sheer tenacity, stupidity and perserverance, I just soldiered on. Like a wide-eyed doe staring at an incoming headlights, I don't know how many times I've been bruised and knocked down. Miraculously, everytime, I resurrected. Fatigue has finally crept in. I still get knocked down but there are times when I don't want to be resurrected anymore. I just don't want to go on. You think that after 6 years, things would have become easier. Noooooooooo.... They become harder. I don't know how much more ounce of energy I have left in me to go on; how many more bones in me that is left to be broken. Mentally and spiritually, I'm tired. I kept fantasing about days of not working. Some days, I made that fantasy a reality. I shut down. I don't work.

Some of you may think that I'm simply burnt out. I was one who never believed in the concept of burnt out. I've always thought that burnt out is an excuse not to do work. I've always thought that if you have enough will-power, you'll never be burnt out. I guess I'm now a candle flickering its dying flame in the face of a storm. I've took a break (in fact two) last year. I spent a week in Tokyo. Less than a month after I came back, I had another week of vacation in Melbourne. But I don't think I can keep running away having holidays. I need to solve the root cause of my fatigue.

The fantasy of not working is very tempting. The idea is made so much more attractive because I probably can stop working for 5 years now and survive. It is not because I've lots of savings but more because I don't need a lot to survive. I am low maintenance. So is my wife. She doesn't buy bags, shoes, fancy clothes nor jewellery.

When I started, I always thought I'll remain an OMO (one-man operation). I wasn't ambitious. I didn't want big cars nor big houses with swimming pool. I simply wanted to realise my own dream of doing my own thing. I had never planned for success (regardless how modest) beyond my wildest expectations. Success has become a runaway train that I'm losing control. At any moment, the locomotive may be derailed if I can't rein it under control soon.

The current cause of my problem: success beyond my control.

I've never planned for expansion. Maybe because I never knew how. In the beginning, I was the sales, the marketing, the accountant, the debt collector, the technical support, the R&D, the public relations, the mail staff, the receptionist and even the janitor. It was easy being all the above when you only had one customer. It was still manageable when I had 50 customers. Strains started to surface when I had 100. Finally, by clandestine intervention, a friend who was not happy in her job and because I wanted to help her and also I needed help, I convinced myself that I can afford a sales staff. Glad to be relieved of the chore of making presentations and meeting potential prospectus, I focused in catching up all the work that I had been late delayed.

I didn't expect that the client base will continue to grow. Silly me. Apparently, as more clients sign-up for our products, our reputation continued to grow and we have even more clients now. Even though I've relieved myself of all the sales meetings, now I've the added workload of all the above job responsibilities for over 200 clients! I've even added other responsibilities: being a human resource and chief. My staff will refer to me for some decisions and guidance.

Instead of being mainly the chief, being responsible for the future directions and strategies of the company, I'm now bogged down by administrative and paper work. The more I struggle to clear the increased work load, the more tired and spiritless I feel. I feel hopeless and at times, unmotivated.

I feel like I'm trapped in a quicksand, the more I struggle, the faster I sink. The more I struggle, the more I'm threatened to be suffocated. I can't move. I have to keep still. I feel so powerless. I can't get myself out of the quicksand.

The obvious solution would be for me to get more staff. It is a decision I've thought over for a long time. Each additional headcount will require about $40k in expenses. To get two more staff, I'm talking about spending $80k more. It is not a decision I can take lightly. It would have been easier if my company is making millions, but I'm not. This amount will take out a big chunk of the revenue. If I save that amount, in three years, I would have savings of a whopping $120k! With that amount, if (a very super big IF) I buy a car, I can pay cash! Maybe it would have been easier if I'm a spendthrift and don't give much thoughts to spending money, I would have employed serveral employees! Maybe, a good and smart entrepreneur needs to have both qualities of being a saver and spendthrift. I'm more of a saver and maybe that's why I endured and survived past the starting first 3 tulmultous years. However, when I need to spend for expansion, I'm not the right person.

It was a lot easier being an entrepreneur when you had nothing. When you had nothing, you had nothing to lose. Now that I've achieved success beyond my wildest dreams (albeit a very small success by all standards), I've something now and I've everything to lose. I'm afraid of being a failure. I'm scared of falling back to where I began, when I had nothing. I'm frozen on the spot. I need to find the courage to march on.

I'm stuck in a quicksand.