Where Is My Applause?

Tonight, I have a can of beer in my hand and music playing in my ears. The taste of bitter beer swirls and carresses my tongue. I'm slowly letting the alcohol intoxicate my system. I want to numb my brain. It is one of those weeks where the time just flies by and my mind has been overfilled with the buzz of work and thoughts. It is filled to the point of overflowing. No matter how hard I try, I just can't meet all the deadlines. I hope the beer will help me numb away the stress.

For the past weeks, I've been feeling my failure. Don't ask me why I've suddenly felt this way. Maybe I've started to realise my youth has been slipping away (if it hasn't already). Maybe I've realised I've really not achieved much. I don't know. Currently, my thoughts are in fragments and I've not managed to form a coherent understanding of what is going through my mind.

I think it has been a culmination of walking the lonely path of entrepreneurship. Not many people really understand what an entrepreneur goes through. I hate it when people make patronising comments. Some even make snide remarks like "So, you are an entrepreneur! Must be making big bucks!". It was hurtful to hear when you were struggling every day to keep your dream alive. Gradually, I shun away from meeting these people. Later, when my business grew, to protect the privacy of myself, my family, I've chosen to shun the public limelight. I think for some of my friends who read my blog, they are going to be surprised when I say that I am an actually a nerd in nature. I'm a quiet, reserved and private person in nature and I don't enjoy social gatherings with unknown people. I always have the constant fear of embarrassing myself and this always become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For the past 9 years, I've typically kept to myself as it is really not easy to find other like-minded entrepreneurs. But recently, in my course of work, I've met people who are extremely talented and they are so young... they are only in the twenties and they were cool. With social networking, they have large number of friends and fans. So many people "friend" them in facebook, follow them in twitters, invited to give talks and they jet around frequently around the world in the course of their work. They were glamourous and living their life!

Me? I'm typing this blog entry in one secluded corner of a HDB unit in Singapore.

When I shared my feelings of failure with my friends, they chided me for feeling this way. They will tell me I am a successful entrepreneur (then where is the money)? They would then say that I've a happy family (that, I agree). They would tell me I've built a successful and ongoing venture from nothing with just my bare hands and wits. They tell me I should be happy and satisfied. Then why am I feeling I'm such a failure? I've not seen the world. I'm ok financially but not wealthy. I'm not publicly recognised and I'm not famous. And why do I feel like I'm a hamster running non-stop on a treadmill? When can I stop? When can I rest? When can I enjoy life?

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it is just the beer.

Maybe it is just a phase I'm going through. Maybe during this phase, even if I had made millions, I would still think I am a failure. Well, that I would never know since I've not made my million. Heh!

A few nights ago, I met another fellow entrepreneur. This was a person whom I met on a chance encounter a few years ago whom I had shared my story and experience with him. Today, his company has met with moderate success but with bigger success in waiting. When we met, which was in a social gathering (one of the few rare ones which I actually attended), he introduced me as his benefactor to his group of friends. He told them he wouldn't be who he is now without my encouragement and the sharing of my experiences which spured him on and gave him strength to face his darkest hours. I was taken by surprise but I was glad and appreciated his appreciation. I was happy that my sharing and encouragement had made an impact in his life. It was gratifying to know that he had not forgotten me and in fact viewed me as him benefactor. It was a good feeling to know that you are remembered.

Why did I share the above experience? Have I been seeking validation all along? I don't know. It was just some random thought that popped into my mind. I'm still trying to piece together the fragments of my thoughts and seek meaning to the splinterd fragments.

Ah.... my can of beer has also run dry. I'll just end my incoherent entry here. Before that, let me share with you "This used to be my playground" by Madonna. Not with the faintest understanding, I just think that this song is appropriate to accompany this entry. Enjoy!