1000 Stars

Recognition.

This is a word that has been in my mind for the past two months. I kept thinking about it. I wonder if I've been seeking recognition all along. I remembered that when I just started and was struggling, I yearned for the acceptance and recognition of my friends and relatives. I wanted the people around me to tell me what I was doing is right and I've picked the correct path so just keep walking. I wanted my friends to give me a pat on my shoulder, I wanted them to cheer me on... I was seeking their validation.

But it never came. The path of an entrepreneur is a lonely walk.

For the first three years. It was a dark period. It is now but a distant memory. But looking back, my heart can still feel the darkness and emptiness of the forgotten years. Those three years were a soul sapping period of my life time. I don't know what kept me going. Thoughts of giving up invaded my mind and it was a constant and daily struggle to hold on to the dream. I was not prescient and I did not how my story would end. For three years, on the night of New Year's eve, I just kept telling myself, "Just one more year. I'll just try one more year... "

It was possibly my ignorance of youth and the dogged perseverance that kept me going.

Some time in my third or fourth year of my venture, things started picking up, business started coming and there was revenue. For the next few years, I was so busy and basically struggling to keep up with my business that I did not have time to think about "recognition" any more. It was like everything else at that time, including myself, I was just buried under tons of work. Maybe... just maybe, I am comfortable with my own skin, being who I am and I no longer need recognition and validation from people.

In actual fact, in the past few years, I was actually lost. Things were happening too fast and I was spinning out of control. I had spent the past few years reigning the chaos that is my business back in order. Currently, it is still not completely in order yet but I am getting there and very close now. I even had the time to think about my business and think about its potential and also... my own potential.

I had been doing a lot of self-reflection in the past 2 months.

While I was ready to embark on the new phase and journey as an entrepreneur... to swim in a bigger ocean and dance in a bigger stage, there was actually the self-doubt that was slowly gnawing away my resolve and blackening my heart with fear. There was the fear of trekking to the unknown, exploring the wilderness and there was of course... the fear of failure.

It was easy when I started. I had nothing. If I had failed. I would still have nothing. There would seem to be no difference and impact to myself. Even if I did fail, psychologically, I would not feel like I have failed because at least I tried. It was easy to succeed when starting... the bar was very low. But now that I've achieved something, the reality of losing what I've gained is very real. There lies the reason of my fear and the root of my paralysis into non-action.

Can I really do it? Do I know what I'm getting myself into? Do I know what I am doing? What if I fail and lose everything that I've now?

The voices of doubt just keep whispering in my subconscious... tormenting me. Then I began to wonder about recognition again. It was like a creditor who came and asked me to repay my debt. Eventually, I decided to embrace recognition! "I want recognition! I want validation! I want fame!" I shouted in my heart.

If I can get validation from the public, friends and relatives, it would imply that I'm doing something right, walking on the right path and going in the correct direction. At least that was what I thought. Then I came across a term "second-handers" in Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" which I was reading when I was having my fever. The term shook me! It was as though the book was talking to me. Basically, a second-hander permits other people to dominate one's thinking and one's life; a refusal to think, a willingness to derive one’s beliefs uncritically from others... A second-hander would base his/her decision and self-worth from the view of others. He/she is also person who looks to others to decide his values or beliefs.

No, I don't want to become that person. That is not the person I want to become. I silently cursed under my breath.

I want to remain an independent person. I want to depend only on my own thoughts and beliefs when I move forward. I realise now, in my hands, I hold the key to my past, present and future. With my hands, I'll create the future that I want. I have the conviction that I can achieve my dream. From the wisdom and experience of the past 9 years, I know I've grown. I have the confidence for what I need to do. I just need to believe... believe in myself.

There are many stars in the vast empty night sky. I want to be the star that shines big and bright. We can all be that star and we can all achieve our dreams... we just need to believe... believe in ourselves.