At The Crossroad

After my beer ran dry and finishing my previous blog entry, I plurked about it before I went to bed. Without realising what I've unleased, a lively discussion ensued. By the time I wake up and check the plurk, it already had garnered 120 over responses while I was sleeping. It totally took me by surprise. But the different and diverse points brought up were actually very good (it is really worth reading through them). It actually enabled me to thread my fragmented thoughts into one cohesive understanding.

Truth be told, in recent years, I've been cruising in my venture. Even though the workload has increased and I've been stressed, I was still the big fish in the small pond. In actual fact, I felt a void which I can't describe. This confused me. So when I see other people soaring and driven, I felt empty. It was neither envy nor jealousy. It was something else and this had haunted me for the past weeks.

I believe I'm at the mid-point of my working lifespan. By some definition, I'm moderately successful. I lead a comfortable life financially because I'm not a big spender. I don't require much materialistic stuff to satisfy my ego. I was comfortable and that lies the root of the problem.

I guess the real question that had been plaguing me for the past week was really the purpose and potential of my existence. Are the current achievements the true limit of my potential? What if I'm a marathon runner who can run a 100km race but I had only allowed myself to compete in a 10km race?

There lies the disparity.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sleeping dragon (卧龙) waiting to be awaken? Maybe there is a sleeping dragon in each and everyone of us, waiting for us to awaken them and we'll soar free and high into the clear blue sky!

It is not really about achieving more fortune and fame. It is really about realising one's full potential in our limited existence in this world. Fame and fortune is really just a by-product of the journey. Some may ask, so what can we do with more wealth that can last more than a lifetime? My answer is that, we can use our wealth to help others, channel our resources in the charitable causes and sponsor medical researches in areas that will help save lives. Look at Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. They have donated much of their wealth for the betterment of human kind.

I know these are big dreams. I don't know if I can even come close to achieving them. But if I don't even try, these dreams would shatter even before it begins. So what if in the end, I'm really just a 10km marathon runner? Then I'll push myself to run 11km, 12km...

If I had wasted time, now it is time to test my limits and realise my full potential if it had not already been reached.

I'm now a fish ready to swim into the big ocean and face all the new challenges. I shall not be satisfied to just be a big fish in a small pond. One of my friend remarked this as a small islander mentality. The friend feels that this is why so many of us have restricted ourselves just to the small Singapore island when there is a bigger world outside beyond our 710.2 km² land mass.

Is it really just a simple small islander mentality? I wonder if it could even be due to our government propaganda? Election after election, the ruling party has repeatedly told us that we need them and Singapore won't survive if we don't elect them. Time and time again, the ruling party would drum into our conscious and subconscious mind that they have the best talents on the island in their party. On the flip side, it seems to say that we are useless and we can't stand on our feet by ourselves. The propaganda may also seem to imply since we who are not in the party, we are not talented. This may have inadvertently created a mental cluth, restricted our ambition and make us believe that we were not meant for greater things. Is that why we have a dearth of globally successful entrepreneur (do we even count Sim Wong Hoo)?

I'm now standing at a crossroad: one path is clear, straight and easy to travel; the other path is dark and winding, filled with brambles and obstacles with no end in sight.

I know which path to take now. The choice is clear.

Where Is My Applause?

Tonight, I have a can of beer in my hand and music playing in my ears. The taste of bitter beer swirls and carresses my tongue. I'm slowly letting the alcohol intoxicate my system. I want to numb my brain. It is one of those weeks where the time just flies by and my mind has been overfilled with the buzz of work and thoughts. It is filled to the point of overflowing. No matter how hard I try, I just can't meet all the deadlines. I hope the beer will help me numb away the stress.

For the past weeks, I've been feeling my failure. Don't ask me why I've suddenly felt this way. Maybe I've started to realise my youth has been slipping away (if it hasn't already). Maybe I've realised I've really not achieved much. I don't know. Currently, my thoughts are in fragments and I've not managed to form a coherent understanding of what is going through my mind.

I think it has been a culmination of walking the lonely path of entrepreneurship. Not many people really understand what an entrepreneur goes through. I hate it when people make patronising comments. Some even make snide remarks like "So, you are an entrepreneur! Must be making big bucks!". It was hurtful to hear when you were struggling every day to keep your dream alive. Gradually, I shun away from meeting these people. Later, when my business grew, to protect the privacy of myself, my family, I've chosen to shun the public limelight. I think for some of my friends who read my blog, they are going to be surprised when I say that I am an actually a nerd in nature. I'm a quiet, reserved and private person in nature and I don't enjoy social gatherings with unknown people. I always have the constant fear of embarrassing myself and this always become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For the past 9 years, I've typically kept to myself as it is really not easy to find other like-minded entrepreneurs. But recently, in my course of work, I've met people who are extremely talented and they are so young... they are only in the twenties and they were cool. With social networking, they have large number of friends and fans. So many people "friend" them in facebook, follow them in twitters, invited to give talks and they jet around frequently around the world in the course of their work. They were glamourous and living their life!

Me? I'm typing this blog entry in one secluded corner of a HDB unit in Singapore.

When I shared my feelings of failure with my friends, they chided me for feeling this way. They will tell me I am a successful entrepreneur (then where is the money)? They would then say that I've a happy family (that, I agree). They would tell me I've built a successful and ongoing venture from nothing with just my bare hands and wits. They tell me I should be happy and satisfied. Then why am I feeling I'm such a failure? I've not seen the world. I'm ok financially but not wealthy. I'm not publicly recognised and I'm not famous. And why do I feel like I'm a hamster running non-stop on a treadmill? When can I stop? When can I rest? When can I enjoy life?

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it is just the beer.

Maybe it is just a phase I'm going through. Maybe during this phase, even if I had made millions, I would still think I am a failure. Well, that I would never know since I've not made my million. Heh!

A few nights ago, I met another fellow entrepreneur. This was a person whom I met on a chance encounter a few years ago whom I had shared my story and experience with him. Today, his company has met with moderate success but with bigger success in waiting. When we met, which was in a social gathering (one of the few rare ones which I actually attended), he introduced me as his benefactor to his group of friends. He told them he wouldn't be who he is now without my encouragement and the sharing of my experiences which spured him on and gave him strength to face his darkest hours. I was taken by surprise but I was glad and appreciated his appreciation. I was happy that my sharing and encouragement had made an impact in his life. It was gratifying to know that he had not forgotten me and in fact viewed me as him benefactor. It was a good feeling to know that you are remembered.

Why did I share the above experience? Have I been seeking validation all along? I don't know. It was just some random thought that popped into my mind. I'm still trying to piece together the fragments of my thoughts and seek meaning to the splinterd fragments.

Ah.... my can of beer has also run dry. I'll just end my incoherent entry here. Before that, let me share with you "This used to be my playground" by Madonna. Not with the faintest understanding, I just think that this song is appropriate to accompany this entry. Enjoy!

Outrun

Everyday after I pick up my son from school, at the lift landing of our HDB unit, there is a long stretch of corridor to our unit and my son would love to challenge me to a foot race.

I've tried many variations of my run. There are at times, I would deliberately fall behind and let him lead the race all the way. Sometimes, I'll run ahead and let him chase after me. I'll slow down and allow him to overtake me at the last possible moment so he'll reach the 'finishing line' (the door of our unit) first. Other times, I'll overtake him and let him chase after me, eventually allowing him to outrun me.

Apart from me getting the littlest exercise and my heart pumping, I enjoy hearing his crystal like innocent laughter that comes from the thrill of his race with his old man.

Every time, I've allowed him to 'win' the race. But this is one race I don't mind losing. I look forward to the day when he can really outrun me.

Corporate Junk #17

A client was recently due for renewal. After playing hide-and-seek on the phone for a month (so childish, my goodness!), my staff finally managed to get hold of him. My staff told me that the conversation had gone on as follows:

Client: Your boss should know now that there is a recession so your boss should be ready to be flexible in doing business. Tell your boss we would like to do a barter trade instead of paying for your services. If your boss is not flexible enough to accept barter trade, tell him no need to call me back, I won't be interested.

My staff: .... .... er, ok. I'll discuss with my boss and we'll get back to you.

Sigh, when my staff related the incident to me, I really wondered what was going through my client's mind. Barter trade? What can I do with $8000 worth of screws or raw materials? Replace all the screws at home, my staff's home and in the office? Oh, maybe he is going to give me tiger prawns! Modern civilization invented currency was to facilitate trading. Barter trade can only happen if both parties enjoy mutual benefits of exchanging goods and services. In this case, only the client benefit and my company loses.

I know times may be bad but the it is still unnecessary for the client to attempt to shove his suggestion down our throats. If he had approached the issue more tactfully, we may even be able to help by working something out amicably.

I was very tempted to instruct my staff not to call the client back. Well, he did say not to call him back if we were not going to consider barter trade. Unfortunately, I believe we should still behave professionally and inform the client that we won't be taking up his offer of barter trade. It is just basic service courtesy.

Sometimes, I also wonder why can't some clients show some respect when negotiating a deal. Why do they have to come barging with guns blazing and ready to shoot you down. The industry is extremely small. I believe soon we'll bump into each other again. Then because of what the the client did, due to pride, he will very unlikely not work with us again even if he needs to. He has effectively slammed the door shut himself.

* Shake head *

Change The World

It's been exactly a month since my last blog entry. I've been busy, really busy. I guess it is a good thing to still be so busy during this gloomy economy. In January, I was busy preparing for my son's start in primary school and after that, Chinese New Year. I thought I could take a breather after Chinese New Year, as many of my business associates were predicting that Singapore economy will only get worse after CNY when everyone will stop spending. I had in fact braced myself for the slowdown. But for some unfathomable reason, my company became even busier in February and continued till now. I guess it is a good thing and I've also decided to focus on my business for the time being. In times like these, it is important to make the right decisions and all the more important to focus on customer retention and providing them better service.

After a long day, I finally am able to turn on my iTunes and listen to my music.

Earlier in the day, it was just phone calls after phone calls. It started all the way from 10 am and only ended around 8 pm. There were so many calls to make, coordinating the multitude of projects that my throat has gone parched and my mind became numb with overflowing information. My brain just feels a dull numb reverberating from the buzz of the day.

I guess this is why I came back to blogging, to force my brain to exorcise the chaos of the day.

In the past months, I had the fortune to meet some very talented and promising Singaporeans. They are so young. When talking to them, I can't help but feel my age. I even began to question how I've spent my younger years. Some of the talents are so young and yet they have achieved so much that I feel very paled in comparison. Some of them have traveled and seen the world. When I was their age, I was still a struggling undergrad wondering if I can graduate together with my friends. The new talents, with the aid of online social media networks, their work is recognised internationally, even though they may not be as known locally. Singapore is obviously no longer a big enough playing field and without urging, they have already firmly set their eyes in the global stage.

Even though I have been busy, but I still manage to keep myself abreast of the local current affairs and the buzz in the blogosphere. Sometimes, I wonder if we've focused our energy on the wrong stuff. We don't look too far and we are so short-sighted that we can only see the happenings just before us and treat them as though they were world changing events. I wonder, have we been making a mountain out of a molehill? In the end, we see only people penning their thoughts, thumping their chests, traffic to the blogs increased but in the end still no concrete action taken... nothing change.

I've shared my thoughts with a good friend of mine and she felt that I've achieved a lot too (maybe she was justing being kind). But I wonder... where is my recognition? There lies the dichotomy, I want recognition (maybe I'm really getting old) and yet I want to remain invisible to the public. If I've really achieved, then why do I feel so hollow?

I recall a statement that Lim Sau Hoong (林少芬) of 10AM Communications used in one of the ad her company created:

"心有多大　舞台就有多大".

It literally means, the stage is as big as your ambition.

Yes, I want to change the world and leave my footprint in the global stage. Let us all set our sights on the world.